don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.