Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Optional boss fight.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
scenes of unspeakable carnage
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.