Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!