Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
pls suprot
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Squirrels before girls.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol