What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant