*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
You Might Also Like
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.