At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you鈥檙e not fooling anyone, we all know you鈥檝e doing Community Service.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I don鈥檛 trust scrapbookers because I feel it鈥檚 a slippery slope to ransom letters
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I鈥檓 your girl in the apocalypse till there鈥檚 something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
*me flirting
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that鈥檚 a panicdote.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
You: Cute kid. What鈥檚 his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I鈥檓 really into stereotypes.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft