Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Wait a minute
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.