So that’s what we looked like?
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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I’m aging like a fine banana
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Are you ok, human???
so, is there a mister shapen head
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.