“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”