Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.