I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
*looks at you in batman voice*
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism