When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You Might Also Like
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”