Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.