Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
You Might Also Like
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
No, I don’t think I will.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.