Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
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Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I’m having an out of money experience.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT