2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.