My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen