Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”