Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
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How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?