I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.