Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
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Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.