Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Thoughts