Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.