Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
It was worth a shot 😂
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-