OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You Might Also Like
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
i can’t wait that long
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?