Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
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On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.