I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
he chose this
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁