Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
that de-escalated quickly
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.