Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.