If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
so i’m at the stock market right
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’ll be mad as hell!
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.