I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Life hack
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE