Proctology is located in A55
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Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds