“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.