Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
What?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me