[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
the composer
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.