So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
You sure about that?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults