When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude