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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest