*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
You Might Also Like
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?