that’s really how it is
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.