I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
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[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.