My patronus is a cheeseburger
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends