People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Weighing up my bread heating options
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.