I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
You Might Also Like
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
he chose this
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.