[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
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her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Always…
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
me
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year