I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.