My favorite sport ? Lasagna
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.