Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Think I pulled my liver
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
This is my pinned tweet
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“