[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed